Yeah, Right

22 Oct

So I was chatting with my friend Todd on Monday about (no surprise) the Red Sox and the World Series.

(Seriously, is there anything else to talk about right now?)

And I told him I was predicting — for purely selfish reasons — that the Sox would win it in six games, because then they’d do it at home, on Halloween, and the parade would likely take place on Friday, November 2, a day I’m already scheduled to have off from work.

And Todd countered with his own prediction, which was so specific and absurd that I asked if I could share it here.

He said yes.

Keep in mind, this was all off the top of his head, stream of consciousness style, as we chatted on Instant Messenger, and I’ve just cleaned it up for the blog.

Aside from that, this is exactly as Todd wrote it, word-for-word:

– – – – – – –
Game One

Josh Beckett throws a perfect game for nine innings, but this is one of those nights that it just doesn’t happen for Red Sox offense.

We go to the tenth in a scoreless tie. Beckett gives up a solo shot to Matt Holliday. Papelbon comes in and shuts it down the rest of the way.

In the bottom of the 10th, Ellsbury reaches on an error by Troy Tulowitzki. Lugo sacrifices him to second. Pedroia hits a long fly that bounces around the Fenway outfield, and when it’s over he’s standing on third. Youkilis gets him home on a sac fly.

Sox win game one, 2-1.

Game Two

Schilling has nothing and fails to make it out of the first inning. His line: 2/3 of an inning, 6 hits, five runs (all earned), two walks, no Ks, one home run.

The game devloves from there into an avalanche of bad pitching.

Final score: Rockies 10, Red Sox 8. Series tied 1-1.

Game Three

Postponed due to snow. It finally starts three days later.

Dice-K shows he was the perfect pitcher — for the thin air of Colorado: 8 innings, 1 earned run, 14 Ks.

Sox win, 3-1 and lead the series, 2-1.

Game Four

After the three-day delay, both Game 1 starters are back. But this time, Beckett is mortal, giving up 3 runs in seven innings of work and again, the Sox give him just about nothing to work with.

The final score is 4-2 Rockies. Series tied, 2-2.

Game Five

Schilling again makes some sort of crazy remark about how he has to do his job, blah blah blah, and again, The Best Postseason Pitcher of All Time has nothing. His line: 2 innings pitched, 12 hits, 7 runs all earned, 5 walks, 2 Ks, 2 HR.

Final Score: a 13-3 pasting by the Rockies. Rockies lead 3-2, and back to Boston we go.

Game Six

Matsuzaka stares into his locker for 16 straight hours before the game, and this time fails: 5 innings, 5 runs, Sox down 5-3 going into the sixth.

And then the top four in the Red Sox lineup take over. Pedroia hits a solo shot, Youk and Papi get on, and Manny hits a predictable 3-run shot over the Monster that everybody but Clint Hurdle saw coming. Sox lead 7-5, and it doesn’t stop there.

Sox return the favor with a pasting of their own.

Final score, 22(!!)-13(!!!). The game takes five hours, 15 minutes to play, ending at 1:45 a.m. Eastern time. Series tied, 3-3.

Game Seven

On the evening of Game Seven, Boston gets its worst snowstorm in 15 years. Two feet of snow at Logan forces, for the first time ever, moving the game! It is rescheduled at … Yankee Stadium! (Hey, it’s my prediction. I can say what I like!)

OK, so the Yankee faithful turn out IN FORCE to root for the Rockies, and they are treated to a terrible ball game.

The first three innings feature 15 hits (total — both teams), but none makes it out of the infield, and five of those hits really should be ruled errors.

Tim McCarver mumbles something incoherent about the two snow delays and moving the game being incredibly meaningful.

During the mid-game interviews, Manny Ramirez is quoted as saying, “It’s so fuckin’ cold, I wish we’d lost to Cleveland!”

At the end of nine innings, the score is tied 7-7. The temperature is 18 degrees … and it starts to snow. Bud Selig meets with the umpires and calls the game.

He says it is to resume in one week … in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

OK, now it’s Thanksgiving Day in San Juan, top of the 10th, 7-7 tie.

Dominican fans have made the short trip to PR to root for Manny and Papi.

Papelbon, of course, is available to pitch — since he pitched a scoreless 8th and 9th a week earlier — and now he is fresh as a daisy.

Ks the side.

That brings up Papi. Dominican fans in San Juan going nuts. Papi hits a long fly — off the top of the wall!

Willy Taveras, in the process of fielding the ball, has a seizure. So Brad Hawpe comes over to get the ball out of Taveras’ glove.

Meanwhile, Papi is chugging around the bases. Taveras’ seizure has contracted the muscles in his hand — Hawpe can’t get the ball out!! Papi is being waved around third — but oh no! Hawpe has fielded the ball and thrown a STRIKE home. There’s going to be a play at the plate! Papi barrels into the catcher — and Fox loses the signal from San Juan due to Hurricane Zipporah!!!

The Hurricane is miles off the coast and not interfering with the game, but still manages to fuck up the Fox signal. Everybody has to wait a day to find out what happened ………

SAFE!

Sox win, 8-7. Red Sox win the World Series, four games to three, on a Big Papi inside-the-park home run.

In San Juan.

On Thanksgiving Day.

And Red Sox Nation has much to be thankful for.

The End.
– – – – – – –

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …

Kerri, a mutual friend, says she’ll pay Todd $500 if this comes true.

I’ve told Todd I’ll double that bet.

I think our money’s safe.

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