Martin's Musings

Oh, bugger.

That’s my reaction when it comes to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. I was really disappointed and frustrated by this movie.

The first Pirates was so much fun, so exciting, so fresh. This one drags, is too long, and doesn’t have the same spark.

Largely, that’s a result of editing. Specifically, there was none.

The movie takes about 20 minutes to actually begin, and though Johnny Depp has a funny entrance, it’s sort of worthless because he has another one — the way he should have been introduced, the way the movie should have started — some time later.

Basically, this Pirates just needed to be a whole lot tighter. Instead it’s as loose and swishy as Jack Sparrow himself. Continue reading →

Adam Sandler is all grownzed up in real life, and Click is a reflection of that. No more high-tempered man-child doing doofus things. Now it’s good-natured (though still high-tempered) man-child who is actually an adult with a wife and kids and a high-powered job, who regrets not having enough time to spend with his family and actually cries. And that’s about as critical or analytical as I’m going to be on this movie. Click is a cute, sweet, family-friendly movie that has some funny scenes and cameos from Sandler movie mainstays like Rob Schneider and Sean Astin, plus a typically weird and funny performance by Christopher Walken, but feels a bit neutered, compared to, say, Big Daddy or even Mr. Deeds. Still, Click is not necessarily a bad movie, so it gets a B from me.

To put it in the most simple way, here’s what’s wrong with The Lake House:
1. It makes no sense; how can things that happen in 2004 not affect what happens in 2006?
2. Keanu Reeves can’t act, but even worse, he can’t read a letter
3. Although it’s not overly long (108 minutes), it feels long
4. It makes no sense
5. Keanu and Sandra Bullock have no connection, other than they have to get together by movie’s end
6. When they do get together, it’s absolutely nauseating
7. It’s stupid
… oh, and did I mention the movie makes no sense?

And also, alright, so they’re “sending” each other letters through this one mailbox. Well, what happens when they get actual mail? Does it get delivered in 2004 or 2006? And when the mailman shows up, if he sees a letter meant for one or the other, does he mail it?

There. I’ve just saved you $10. If you want to see a decent movie where the two romantic leads don’t share much screen time, rent Sleepless in Seattle. And of course, if you want to see these two together in a good movie, rent Speed. I’m giving The Lake House a C–.

ps: It’s a shame the movie’s so bad. When I interviewed Shohreh Aghdashloo for Continental, she had such nice things to say about it (not that any of that made it into my article).

I’ll keep this one short. Keeping Up with the Steins begins with a hysterically over-the-top Titanic-themed Bar Mitzvah that takes place aboard a cruise ship and actually features the guest-of-honor yelling out, “I’m king of the Torah!” But that’s the high point. Soon after, the movie becomes a better-than-average movie-with-a-message, perfect for Hebrew school viewing. For mainstream audiences, much less non-Jewish ones, I don’t think the movie’s all that great or worth seeing. Jeremy Piven does his Jeremy Piven thing, but he’s more enjoyable on Entourage. So, Steins gets a C+ from me.

Sigh. So breakups are never easy, and sometimes they’re quite painful. The Break-Up is one of those. At the end of it you’re mentally drained from having Vince Vaughn yelling at you and from watching Jennifer Aniston just completely beaten down and emotionally spent. (What, you expected this to be a happy movie? Silly you. It’s called The Break-Up!) The film is so meanspirited and negative-toned that you don’t even want this couple to get back together, unlike in some other movies with a similar plot that are sweet at their core. Sure, there are some good lines, but Vince Vaughn doesn’t seem to have the same wickedly funny but good natured streak he had in Wedding Crashers. Here he’s just cruel and stupid, and nowhere near loveable. And while it’s good to see him and Jon Favreau back together on the screen, ultimately, all I could think of was: man-oh-man, did Jon Favreau ever get heavy. So that adds to the sad feeling after seeing this movie. I mean, yeah, Jen does looks great. And I got a good chuckle from Justin Long’s performance. But because the movie is 10-15 minutes too long and at times it’s just not funny (and not in a failed way), I’m still giving The Break-Up a C+.

Alright, so X-Men: The Last Stand is a big, exciting summer movie, full of action and big, important speeches and cool special effects. But it’s a bit darker (visually) and colder than the previous two X-Men films, and it doesn’t have the same, I dunno, heart that the other two had. In fact, this one feels more functional, more run-of-the-mill, more routine, and more blunt. Which is a shame, because as comic book movies go, the X-Men films have been better than most. They all deal with prejudice, but this one feels the most heavy-handed, thematically. Still, X3 does have its moments of fun, including the final battle sequence, so I’ll give this third film a B — for Beast, because that character is a trip. How funny it is to see Kelsey Grammer bulked up with blue fur and makeup.

You know a movie’s bad when you spend the bulk of it thinking of what title you’re going to give your review. Hmmm … “It’s a Disaster?” “A New Low?” “Waterlogged?” “That Sinking Feeling?” Or maybe “Going Down.” Well, whatever you call it — and I like what I chose — Poseidon is a pretty bad movie. It starts with the first shot of the boat, which looks totally fake and unbelievable. And it really only gets worse from there, with lame dialogue, forced acting, and a character whose actual name in the credits is “Lucky Larry” (I’ll give you one guess if he makes it out alive). Perhaps the best part about the movie is how efficient it is; it takes just 5 or 10 minutes for the wave to hit and turn the ship upside down. Why get held up with all that pesky plot and character development, right? Hell, there’s not even an impending sense of doom or a warning or anything. The wave just appears, hit the boat, and the movie gets underway with these characters you don’t know and don’t care about — and really, don’t even like — trying to find a way out. But anyway, no need to belabour the point. The original Poseidon Adventure was no Shakespearean classic or anything, and I haven’t seen it in years, but it was infinitely better than this waste of time remake. It’s not even ridiculously funny bad, it’s just bad. So, Poseidon gets a C– on the Martin Meter.

Mission: Impossible 3 is alright. Tom Cruise is at his enthusiastic, speaking-with-such-forced-integrity, stunt-happy best, and there are some good action scenes, but all told, I wasn’t blown away.

First off, it’s funny to even call this the third movie in the Mission Impossible series. Since each film was directed by a different director and, with few exceptions, has a different cast, there’s hardly any continuity between them. This one just felt like an action flick, independent of the series.

In fact, were it not for the theme song, it probably could have been a big-screen, male-centered episode of Alias.

I mean, the movie plays in a number of ways like an early episode of the show: Ethan keeps his real job a secret from those he loves, there’s a kooky computer/IT guy, there’s a torture scene that takes place in a dentist’s chair in China, plenty of disguises, and oh yeah, even Greg Grunberg has a quick cameo (he is writer/director J.J. Abrams’ best friend and J.J. puts him in most everything he does).

The only real difference is that Tom Cruise doesn’t kick ass like Jennifer Garner does. (Or did.) Continue reading →