So Close, and Yet …

21 Feb

Dear Cat,

Just thought I’d write to say I hold you personally accountable for the fact that Jennifer Garner and I are not together right now.

As you know, Ms. Garner holds a special place in my heart — despite her already having a husband and a child — and when I heard the news that she would be filming a movie, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, not just in Boston but right on South Street in front of Les Zygomates, a short walk from our office, you knew what a big deal this was for me.

At last, this would be my chance to meet the former Ms. Sydney Bristow in person and profess my love to her.

You agreed to walk with me at lunchtime today to check out the set, and that was very nice of you to keep me company. And how exciting was it when we got there and we could just walk around and see it all — the lights, the cameras, the New York City cabs, and even better, the fake snow and Christmas decorations. (It was Christmas, Cat! My favorite time of year! How perfect!!)

Suffice it to say, I was giddy. Jen was nowhere to be seen, but she would be out soon, and I would see her acting right there a few feet in front of me. How cool is that??!

All the fates were aligning; it was actually going to happen. Jen would see me from across the street, watching her, smiling my adorable smile, and she’d be too distracted to even look at her costar, the shirtless wonder himself, Matthew McConaughey.

She’d stop filming, would walk right over to me, we’d introduce ourselves, I’d say something witty and charming (of course), she’d smile and laugh, all the other bystanders would wonder who this random guy in the crowd was, but they’d be so overcome with emotion watching us and our love blossom that they’d burst into spontaneous applause, and, well, the rest (including Ben Affleck) would be history. We would go off and live happily ever after, in Newton.

I was thisclose to making my dream a reality. Oh man, it was actually going to happen …

… And then you asked me to leave, and you denied Jennifer and me a love that would have inspired others. A love that was fated in the stars. A love that was destined for greatness.

Why did we have to leave?? Were you really too cold standing there on the sidewalk? Was the production assistant really that rude to you when she asked us to move over?

I was hungry too, but some things are more important than lunch. I missed my chance at true happiness.

You broke my heart, Cat. And now, Jennifer Garner and I will never be together. I hold you responsible for this tragedy. 😉

Sincerely,
Martin

Something Strange in the Neighborhood

21 Feb

Back in the day, I fancied myself an amateur filmmaker.

I made these really bad films where I played all the parts — for example, He’s a Wonderful Salesman, a cross between Death of a Salesman and It’s a Wonderful Life, where Willy Loman is shown (by an angel named Mar-T) what life would be like if he was never born.

Of course, my sister helped, and I’ll always remember her immortal line, “I feel a breeze.”

Anyway, I thought of those movies while watching Be Kind Rewind, the new movie from the mind of Michel Gondry, the director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

It’s a truly strange and random movie about two guys in Passaic, New Jersey: one, played by Mos Def, who works at a video store, and another, played by Jack Black, who hangs around the store.

One day, Black’s character is magnetized (don’t ask) and he accidentally erases all the tapes at the video store. So the two decide to recreate the movies in their own amateurish way, starting with Ghostbusters and Rush Hour 2.

And these remakes — the “Sweded” versions — become so insanely popular that they have to make others — including When We Were Kings, 2001, King Kong, and Lord of the Rings.

Yes, the remakes are absurd, and the making-ofs are very amusing.

The whole film has the look of a low budget, amateur production, making it all seem very authentic.

Black and Mos Def throw themselves into their roles, and keep the tone silly. Danny Glover and Mia Farrow, of all people, fill out the cast, giving it a little “weight” and substance.

It’s probably safe to say you’ve never seen a movie quite like Be Kind Rewind, and it’s not exactly great, but it has some really inspired moments and scenes that make it worth recommending. You’ll likely never look at Ghostbusters or Boyz n the Hood the same way again.

So, I’m giving Be Kind Rewind a B.

Gonna Buy Me a Condo

20 Feb

Well, it took a bit of back and forth, and of course it’s still subject to inspection and all that good stuff, but a deal has been struck.

So, I’m buying a condo. Woo hoo! I’ll never have to mow de lawn … I’m gonna get me the t-shirt, wit’ the alligator on!

Jeez, this buying real estate thing sure is fun.

(no, there’s nothing to see. just listen to the song.)

From My Perspective

20 Feb

First, the good news about Vantage Point: despite what you may think, the trailer doesn’t give away the entire plot.

So that’s a nice surprise.

And also, there is about 20 minutes of a good movie here.

The problem is that the film’s main gimmick of watching a presidential assassination from multiple points of view grows really tiresome really fast. Just when the film starts to pick up momentum and you want to see what will happen next, you’re rewinded back to the same starting point only to watch the same scene unfold again.

And again.

And it’s not like every replaying adds a new layer to the story. Rather, you just meet someone else who was there.

This isn’t Rashomon.

When, at about an hour into the movie, the story begins again and then keeps on going, that’s when the action really kicks into gear and it gets pretty exciting, especially during a fast-paced car chase through the streets of Salamanca, Spain.

But there’s some lame dialogue, and the impressive cast of actors (including Forest Whitaker, William Hurt, Dennis Quaid, Matthew Fox, and Sigourney Weaver) is pretty much left high and dry. Weaver in particular gets introduced first and then basically disappears.

Wish I could recommend this movie; I actually liked the trailer and had high hopes. Alas, it’s another waste of 90 minutes.

I give Vantage Pointa C-.

Have I Got a Show for You

19 Feb

Just a quick TV PSA: A filmed version of the recent Broadway revival of Stephen Sondheim’s Company, which I saw and loved, will be making its television debut Wednesday night on your local PBS station.

Check the local listings for the station and time in your city.

Here’s a link to an excerpt from the opening number.

If you can’t watch the show Wednesday, don’t worry: it’s going to be repeated a few times over the next couple weeks.

Or just set your DVR. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Now I Feel Old

19 Feb

I’ve heard from more than a few friends who’ve been through it that buying real estate makes you feel more like a grown-up than anything else.

And then there was that day last summer when I was having back pain and felt old.

And we all know how much I’ve hated the college kids these past few months.

So maybe I’m sending out the wrong message on this blog about my true age, because when I got home tonight, what did I have in my mailbox? A membership application to join AARP.

No kidding. Continue reading →

Quick Thoughts

19 Feb

After the rain stopped, Monday was a really nice day.

Teflon-coated pots are excellent. One of the best inventions ever.

I wish I had given Gossip Girl more of a chance and hadn’t given up on it after the first episode.

We’re negotiating, and I should have a decision on the apartment on Tuesday. I’m now feeling more 65-35 as far as excitement and nervousness go.

Ben & Jerry’s Crème Brûlée ice cream is so so so good.

I’m rooting for a There Will Be Blood Best Picture upset on Sunday.

There’s something about seeing baseball players practicing down in Florida, smiling, happy, with the sun shining, that makes everything all right.

Are you on Facebook? Why not? Sign on and let’s be friends.

Days off would be more enjoyable if there was something good on TV in the morning. At least on Saturdays there’s three hours of repeats of 90210 and two of The O.C.

Which is the more annoying instrument to listen to: violin or the flute?

I don’t think there’s any movie in theaters right now that I haven’t seen that I want to see.

My early American Idol favorites are Amanda Overmyer, a.k.a.: the rocker nurse, and Michael Johns. Kristy Lee Cook is cute, but she won’t get past the top 8. And David Archuleta is overrated. And anyone who sings “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” will never win, much less make it to the top 12.

Sometimes when scrolling through the names and numbers in my cell phone I’ll come across Bubby and I’ll be tempted to call. I wish I could.

Next week, March 1 to be exact, marks the 11th anniversary of the day I moved to Boston. Still the best decision I’ve ever made.

I own way way way too many books, CDs, and DVDs.

Can’t believe I still haven’t finished The Year of Living Biblically.

Kupels went and raised their prices, and in so doing went from being a great deal to a total rip-off.

When I move, I think I’m going to hire a cleaning person to come regularly.

Some movies I can watch over and over and never get tired of them. The Shawshank Redemption is one of them.

Long weekends are great … until you have to go back to work the next morning.

Making an Offer They Can’t Refuse. Hopefully.

17 Feb

Well, folks, it’s with mixed emotion that I tell you I’ve made an offer on a condo.

If you know how indecisive I can be, you know this is a very big deal.

Hell, it takes me a while just to buy a pair of pants! Continue reading →

Love and Hate

14 Feb

Longtime readers of this blog know I generally like Valentine’s Day. My theory is that if you’re not in a relationship, you should spend the day doing things you love. For example, going to a favorite lunch place, or doing a favorite activity, or listening to a favorite CD, or watching a favorite TV show, etc. etc. After all, if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

But for fun, this year I thought I’d post a classic ’90s music video that might sum up what some other people feel about this day (and for the record, doesn’t reflect my current state of mind). So for all those people, I say enjoy. For everyone else, here’s wishing you a very Happy Valentine’s Day!

Destination Anywhere

13 Feb

If you learned one day that you could teleport anywhere in the world on a moment’s notice, where would you go? Paris? Rome? The South Pole? And would you use this power for good or for evil? Whatever your choice, I hope you don’t choose to go to a movie theater to see Jumper, a movie about a guy (played by Darth Vader himself, Hayden Christensen) who can teleport anywhere he wishes. When he’s 15, David Rice (that’s Christensen’s character), learns he has the skill and he decides to run away from his unhappy life in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and head to New York, where he robs banks and travels the world, and becomes a spoiled, selfish brat. But Rice has never gotten over his childhood crush, Millie, so eight years later he returns home to find her. Lucky for David, Millie has grown up to look a lot like Summer Roberts (yes, Millie is played by the lovely Ms. Rachel Bilson). And they live happily ever after.

Yeah, if only. You see, hot on Rice (and all Jumpers)’s trail is Samuel L. Jackson, leader of the Paladin organization, whose goal is to kill Jumpers — deemed too powerful to exist. Thankfully, Rice meets Griffin (Jamie Bell), another Jumper, who is trying to take down the Paladins. And somewhere in this plot is David’s mother (Diane Lane), who abandoned David when he was just five years old, but who has some unexplained connection to the action.

I guess it all sounded cool. And after all, the movie was directed by Doug Liman, whose credits include Go, The Bourne Identity, Swingers, and Mr. & Mrs. Smith — all good, fun, exciting movies. Surprisingly, there’s none of the zip found in those films here. But I don’t necessarily blame Liman. Instead, I blame Christensen, who is without a doubt one of the worst actors working today — if he can even be called an actor. His stiff performance and almost monotone delivery of the lines conveys almost no excitement at all. He only emphasizes how lame some of the dialogue is. But worse is the fact that he has, like, zero chemistry with Bilson. Come on, man, she’s smokin’! Christensen must not read GQ. (Of course, he gets the last laugh because the two are dating in real life. What a bastard.) Anyway, Jumper features some relatively cool effects and Bell is certainly the most engaging member of the cast (one wonders if he should have played David), but overall this is a pretty stupid flick.

Now, after all that, you may be wondering where I would go if I could teleport. The answer is easy: Portland, Oregon, so I could see Erin and explain to her that even if a movie is free, and even if it’s only 88 minutes long, and even if the cast includes Rachel Bilson and Diane Lane, going home to watch American Idol is always the better option. I’m giving Jumper a C-.

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