Archive | 4:00 pm

So Close, and Yet …

21 Feb

Dear Cat,

Just thought I’d write to say I hold you personally accountable for the fact that Jennifer Garner and I are not together right now.

As you know, Ms. Garner holds a special place in my heart — despite her already having a husband and a child — and when I heard the news that she would be filming a movie, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, not just in Boston but right on South Street in front of Les Zygomates, a short walk from our office, you knew what a big deal this was for me.

At last, this would be my chance to meet the former Ms. Sydney Bristow in person and profess my love to her.

You agreed to walk with me at lunchtime today to check out the set, and that was very nice of you to keep me company. And how exciting was it when we got there and we could just walk around and see it all — the lights, the cameras, the New York City cabs, and even better, the fake snow and Christmas decorations. (It was Christmas, Cat! My favorite time of year! How perfect!!)

Suffice it to say, I was giddy. Jen was nowhere to be seen, but she would be out soon, and I would see her acting right there a few feet in front of me. How cool is that??!

All the fates were aligning; it was actually going to happen. Jen would see me from across the street, watching her, smiling my adorable smile, and she’d be too distracted to even look at her costar, the shirtless wonder himself, Matthew McConaughey.

She’d stop filming, would walk right over to me, we’d introduce ourselves, I’d say something witty and charming (of course), she’d smile and laugh, all the other bystanders would wonder who this random guy in the crowd was, but they’d be so overcome with emotion watching us and our love blossom that they’d burst into spontaneous applause, and, well, the rest (including Ben Affleck) would be history. We would go off and live happily ever after, in Newton.

I was thisclose to making my dream a reality. Oh man, it was actually going to happen …

… And then you asked me to leave, and you denied Jennifer and me a love that would have inspired others. A love that was fated in the stars. A love that was destined for greatness.

Why did we have to leave?? Were you really too cold standing there on the sidewalk? Was the production assistant really that rude to you when she asked us to move over?

I was hungry too, but some things are more important than lunch. I missed my chance at true happiness.

You broke my heart, Cat. And now, Jennifer Garner and I will never be together. I hold you responsible for this tragedy. 😉

Sincerely,
Martin

Something Strange in the Neighborhood

21 Feb

Back in the day, I fancied myself an amateur filmmaker.

I made these really bad films where I played all the parts — for example, He’s a Wonderful Salesman, a cross between Death of a Salesman and It’s a Wonderful Life, where Willy Loman is shown (by an angel named Mar-T) what life would be like if he was never born.

Of course, my sister helped, and I’ll always remember her immortal line, “I feel a breeze.”

Anyway, I thought of those movies while watching Be Kind Rewind, the new movie from the mind of Michel Gondry, the director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

It’s a truly strange and random movie about two guys in Passaic, New Jersey: one, played by Mos Def, who works at a video store, and another, played by Jack Black, who hangs around the store.

One day, Black’s character is magnetized (don’t ask) and he accidentally erases all the tapes at the video store. So the two decide to recreate the movies in their own amateurish way, starting with Ghostbusters and Rush Hour 2.

And these remakes — the “Sweded” versions — become so insanely popular that they have to make others — including When We Were Kings, 2001, King Kong, and Lord of the Rings.

Yes, the remakes are absurd, and the making-ofs are very amusing.

The whole film has the look of a low budget, amateur production, making it all seem very authentic.

Black and Mos Def throw themselves into their roles, and keep the tone silly. Danny Glover and Mia Farrow, of all people, fill out the cast, giving it a little “weight” and substance.

It’s probably safe to say you’ve never seen a movie quite like Be Kind Rewind, and it’s not exactly great, but it has some really inspired moments and scenes that make it worth recommending. You’ll likely never look at Ghostbusters or Boyz n the Hood the same way again.

So, I’m giving Be Kind Rewind a B.